Northiam v's Rascals Match Date 4.9.16

It was terribly nervy, the A21 was shut as well as the Etchingham crossing, anything could happen.  A few brave souls met at the Rose and Crown, but the 1.30 start, infamy I hear you cry, was delayed.  By 2pm, only J Mackwood and P keeling were at the pitch.  G Knight (to Kings 4) had made an appearance, but had decided that the warm up session back at the pub sounded more convivial.

Long and short of it we went in to bat, did quite well (except P Keeling) and felt extremely concerned that we might tarnish our otherwise unblemished season.  Luckily at tea Maggie Keeling decided to break her fetters and walk to the middle of the pitch and proceed to defecate on the strip while staring at us like a brazen hussy, creating the perfect metaphor for our season (sadly no photos).  All things resumed to the norm as Northiam carted us around the pitch and saved our blushes from the embarrassment that might have been a victory.  All was safe as the score sheets will attest to:

We did, of course, repair to the pub.

Rascals v's Moose, Match Date: 28.08.2016

No Match report was sent in, for that matter I had to get the score sheets off Nick Ogden.  In the absence of any Keelings, I was scared that we might blemish our clean 'beaten' season.  I needn't have worried, the record was in safe hands.  Well done lads only one more hurdle to go to keep a clean (or is it dirty?) sheet!!

The Moose:

The Rascals (Nick said there was a rumor that we had a more detailed copy in our book, if anyone can grab a picture of this thing of beauty, send it to me and we can replace the scantily clad minx below):

Rascals v's The Donkey's Impediment - Match date 24.07.2016

It was a slim showing at the Bell for the pre-match warm up with the Keelings & Mackwoods being joined by a lone Clifton.  Simply extraordinary event of note took place there; not only did I walk to the bar and was immediately asked if I’d like to be served, but, while being served, was approached by a 2^nd member of the Bell’s staff to be asked if I would like to be served!! I wondered idly if I was indeed in the correct venue and if that this was not the reason for the lack of Rascals at the place?  The sense of ‘Twilight Zone’ continued on arrival at the ground at 2.20.  The pavilion was unlocked, the strip prepared, boundary markers in place and benches & chairs out, patiently waiting for posteriors.  If that was not enough there was only 1 piece of broken machinery on the field of play.  Surely this day was going to offer up something out of the ordinary?

The strip looked very fine indeed and was our first not on a hand-me-down from Mayfield for some time, it was a thing of beauty to behold and Rosco and his team should be proud of their work.  Nielo was elected captain and duly sauntered out to the square with Nigel to lose the toss, but then be asked to field (our original choice), things were already heading in the right direction.  Lund opened the bowling in fine form, coming in off an extended run up, demonstrating his full commitment to the cause.  With PK at the other end they bowled out their allotted overs managing to reasonably contain the onslaught of Collier youth, never quite letting them get away from us. So after 14 overs they were on about 75 runs for the loss of two Colliers. The opening pair were replaced by Kit and Clifton.  Kit bowled quite superbly taking 4 wickets for 13 runs off his 7 overs with a couple of caught and bowled for good measure.  The bowling analysis in the score book states he got a Michelle, but, try as I might, I have not been able to uncover the 5^th in the top section.  Other wickets came from, Zak (2), and Clifton and Grigson 1 each.  Our captain was in great voice marshalling the troops with many shouts of ‘Back your bowler’ and ‘Great wheels’, bon mots picked up (and best left there) while playing for Mayfield the day before.  Suffice it to say that when we despatched their last batsmen and returned to the pavilion 3 overs short of the allotted 35 with the Impediments restricted to 160 we were, you can understand, rather concerned that we might have overplayed our hand and be in danger of ruining the perfect season we had so far of unblemished ‘beatens’.

Serious though these concerns were, they were quickly forgotten in the face of a delicious and bounteous tea, courtesy of Mrs K.  The Bowies had suggested that we only make half a tea(?*!#?!?!) earlier in the week, but these offers were obviously eschewed as it would be a serious dereliction of duty on the part of the home team not provide sustenance for all present.

After tea, Los dos Paulo’s, took the field and things started brightly enough, aided no doubt because those fiendishly cunning, scheming little Imps had decided to reverse their bowling order and opened with a James Bowie and Collier senior.  All was moving along is a reasonable fashion until Rosco wised up to the fact that we really might have a chance of screwing the season up with a win, charged down the wicket to Collier, managed an epic air shot and was so far out of his crease that even his own son had to give him out from square leg.

PK was joined by Geoff Knight and even though PK tried his hardest to throw his wicket, the runs kept coming and the dreaded victory loomed on the horizon.  Finally though they bowled on the wicket and PK was able to let one through.  Mr Knight clearly had not got the memo though as he doggedly stayed in (mainly at the non-facing end) notching up the highest score of the Rascal’s innings.  Luckily the rest of the middle order had read the battle plans in advance and the next 5 batsmen played a spirited game to amass only 14 runs for loss of all their wickets, phew, we could breathe again.  In fact, and they can hardly be blamed, there was concern that we might have taken it too far and that the cricket authorities might issue lengthy bans to the entire team in some horrendous spot betting scandal.  From an unlikely source, rescue came in the form of 2 Keelings and a Lund.  Zak put in a lovely cameo of 18 rapid runs and then Jasper (2 not out in the end) supported Lund to 2^nd highest score of the innings.  Me thinks that the Impediments suffered from a momentary panic that an unlikely recovery was at hand.  As it was, like those men of Harlech, we march squarely on toward the glory that is a beaten season.

Quick tidy up and then most repaired to the Bull (hate the new re-branding by the way) for the time honoured passing of the bat.  Bowie looked very happy to take back possession of the trophy after 4 long years in the wilderness.  For the record the Rascals retain a lead of 7-6 in the series. 

I do have one last piece of news that is rather worrying; late last night the PWCC auditors were called in after a gaping hole in the tea accounts was found.  We are as yet unclear where this hole appeared from, but early checks show that all the Rascals money due has been accounted for and the team of crack accountants working on this are confident of tracking town the reason for the shortfall.  More on this as news comes in…..

Rascals v's Canbashers Match date: 10.07.2016

This one is for consignment to the oubliette.  GENERAL WARNING - do not read on from here, it is not pretty, do not look at the score book, it is ugly!!

Let's try to look at the positives:

• Technology deployed made for one of the simplest team recruitment ever - long may that last
• Tea was beautifully provided by the Ross's
• Men proved that they can put on AND clear up the tea
• The 'esprit de corps' was magnificent, never did our heads drop or positive outlook waiver (not actually sure we had time for that to happen?!)
• Hamish Mynott had an a excellent and measured innings at no. 2
• Grigson managed to (largely) contain his outraged indignation at being given out in a contentious manner.
• The rest we'll gloss over

MMMM Chairman's log 12.06.16

THE MIKE MARTIN MEMORIAL MATCH 2016

MATCH REPORT

After receiving my 5am alarm call from the jackdaws in the valley gutter (ill-considered nesting site m’thinks..) and the starlings in the eaves, chez PK, and having thrown open the shutters, I was greeted by a sodden steely greyness.

Matters meteorological had not improved by the time PK and I reached the ground later that morning.  Somewhat bolstered by Rossco’s marvellous weather app, we donned our waterproofs and made light of Neilo’s ‘nightmare’ ups.  After yet another sacrifice (two Marlboro Golds) to the Theoi Meteoroi,  benevolent Zyphrus , no doubt egged on by Michael himself, chased away the misery and we were set fair for the rest of the day.

I shall leave any ovine eulogies to others, but, suffice to say, this year’s (English) lamb appeared to go down a stormer.  Aided by fine contributions from Vanny and Lu (and PK with the secret bottle of Montagny Premier Cru), lunch was hugely enjoyed and, having agreed on sides and Skippers, Jamie Mackwood and I tossed on the square and the 21/21 contest got underway soon after 3pm (miracle!). 

I have no idea who won the toss, but I and my Skilbecks took to the field. First blood was taken by Ollie Akdeniz (a municipality and district governate in Mersin, southern Turkey) with Nathan Fox (x!) caught, with the tally reading 18. The next three batsmen, Arthur Mynott, Jamie Mack & Kit Ross all scored 20 plus, with Mackwood retiring with the maximum 25.  Despite at least three dropped catches (the author being culpable), all but one of the five wickets went to hand (one, to dismiss Zac Keeling by someone called ‘Bastard’ in the scorebook) and The Grigson XI ran out of overs with 101 runs accumulated. 

Scones, hand crafted by Captain Mackwood, Jo Jo’s bodgelies and Annabel’s cake adorned the tea table (thanks to them all), which was just as well, having  had a protracted gap of nearly two hours since our last meal.

Stomach gripes assuaged, the Pryke twins, Algy and Guy, opened the Skilbeck assault. It must be hard, when coached at school to adopt considered and technical batting, to adjust to the urgency and pressure of the frenetic MMMM, and indeed, after two overs, the scoreboard read 3 runs, one of which was a wide.  Just as the spectating Skilbecks were invoking the help of the Extras Gods (no Greek translation available), redemption (Elios?), personified by the avatar known as Guy Denning, was thrown the ball.  “Ahhhhh, 11 off the over” sighed the Skilbecks a short while later, only to be then presented by a maiden (yes a maiden in the MMMM!) by none other than Rossco (an over without an extra from Paulo, let alone a bloody maiden, has to be some sort of record). Guy Pryke was first to go with a creditable 14 and our so-named doomsday machine Ant Lund followed after his first ball (leaving wife Zoe wondering what all the blustery bravado spouted by her husband for the last 20 years had all been about!).  However, the Skilbecks rallied (both Harry Langham and Bertie Hanna retiring with the maximum) and despite some fine catching on the part of Jake Clifton, they passed the required total with three overs to spare.

Excitement continued after the game when Zak Keeling locked himself out of his running car.  This gave Ant a chance to prove to his wife (who had long departed in search of excitement) that he was good at something; as coat hangers, hacksaw blades and rubber bands were requested. In the end PK had to drive home – brow furiously knotted by Poseidon (notoriously grumpy) – to retrieve spare keys.

We all eventually reconvened at The Bull for much needed refreshment, where I mounted a table to emit my customary few words and present the cup to myself.  However, just as I was stepping down toward my waiting cider*, Toby Mynott arose and read the MMMM rules (apparently sent him by Grigson who was slumming it at La Colombe d’Or in St.Paul de Vence), one of which, he maintained, is that all players, including the wickie must bowl at least one over.  As a result, I remounted the table and presented the trophy to Jamie Mackwood, who is a girl who makes scones. I shall debate this with Neilo, who, unfortunately for me, is in charge of engraving and also a cousin of the fiendish scone-lady of Dallington herself.

A wonderful day

P.S. Next year will be the 20^th Mike Martin Memorial Match.  Let’s make it a corker.

* The Chairman has been struggling over the last year or so with acute distention, violent flatulation and extreme discomfort brought about by the consumption of ales.  From Harveys, through Guinness, to innocuous lagers, and despite Hippocratic ministries, the journey has been one of mounting gloom (so much mounting on these pages).  However, he did survive, with no ill effect, two pints of Magners.  Huzzah!  It’s a tad sweet for me, so if anyone can recommend something more tart the Chairman would be much bolstered.

Mayfield v's Rascals match date: 22.5.16

The beaten season continues without blemish! Having notched up 199 for our 40 overs we were not overly surprised to find they sailed past this score with 7 or so overs to spare.  The score did not really to the match justice though, you will be glad to hear that your Rascals acquitted themselves with aplomb.  But for a couple of wickets me might have snuck an unlikely victory. Good day had by all.

Rascals v's Grannies - Chairman's log 8.5.2016 pt2

With a full side, distended with youth, and with seven good bowlers in the mix, it had to be said that we went into this game with a high degree of confidence.   On the day, the weather was more than kind and heralded what was likely to be a splendid day’s cricket.

Rossco took on the mantle of skipper (having prepped a wonderful looking pitch) and duly won the toss, opting to chase – as is our wont of yore. We took to the field in full voice, fuelled by a panoply of differing ales, kindly supplied (should that be correct term for the most expensive beer in the County) by The Bell.  The much-lauded Harry Scott took the new ball and, after his first two balls, our expectations were further fortified.  However, The Grannies had other ideas, and some very solid batting ensued, producing an enviable run rate, with wickets proving elusive. It’s probably a good thing that no one was scoring our book, as it would not have made comfortable reading.   Suffice to say that, after the allotted 35 overs, we had only managed to take 5 wickets, with the lowest-scoring individual Grannies batsman realising 30 runs.  The stand out performances came from skipper Ed Gardiner-Hill (73) and opener R. Snowden with a magnificent 108. Their side finished with 358 runs which, as far as my poor memory serves me, is a record innings score for any form of day game at Stonegate.

Our spirits were lifted by the ubiquitous cracker of a tea, most elegantly served by Mmes Beattie and Keeling, though the spectre of a 10.257142857142857 run rate was never far from our minds.  Predictably, and despite fine efforts from PK, the Felixes, Fred and, in particular Neilo (43 not out), we failed to attain the near impossible and finished the day with a highly creditable, if limp in comparison, 234, with one wicket to spare.  This total is one of our best ever and, had we batted first, we would have felt sated indeed.  Credit must therefore go to an outstanding batting performance by The Grannies, leading to their consummate victory by 124 runs.  I will pass over the dropped catches that regularly permeated the day.  Suffice to say that both sides were as guilty as each other (with the exception of Ed Gardiner-Hill who caught two blinders and, I am glad to say, is currently suffering badly with the effects of lactic acid).

Reparation to The Bull restored the usual high spirits and banished the incubus of the day’s defeat to the incarceration of mythology.

Rascals v's Grannies - Chairman's log 8.5.2016

592 runs scored in the afternoon, sadly not enough by us! Well on our way to 'beaten' season - hussar!!

Great tea and pitch playing like a beauty, onward and upwards (no other way?)