Monday 16 September 2013

It never rains at Stonegate (Rascals v's Moose part 2)

For the last match of the season we gathered under stormy skies on Sunday to play the Moose. The key issue for the day, apart from working out how to buy a drink at the Bull later, was deciding what format of game was to be played. It is worth bearing in mind that there was universal agreement amongst the weather forecasting community that it would start to piss down from 4ish and not stop.
 
Ed "Michael Fish" Skills was the dissenting voice. It never rains at Stonegate he entoned, like a slightly deranged member of the flat earth society, and we could easily get in a proper game. 50 overs a side easily. Weather websites are shit, the BBC hasn't got a clue and the fact that the sky was already heavy, grey and leaden with moisture was simply a figment of everyone elses imagination. It was a bit like being in the crowd at the appearance of Our Lady at Fatima in 1917 and saying "that's just a peasant bird trying to get home". " No, it was Our Lady", replied thirty thousand faithful people.
 
Anyway, as players gathered at Oneish, already adorned by at least two sweaters and a Kagool, it was decided to go for a twenty twenty match to try and slip one in before it really starts to rain.
 
Ed "Bill Giles" Skills went along with this startling piece of collective logic, lost the toss, and we were in the field. John Kettley took the gloves, as jamie m was taken ill, and apart from a dropped catch, a huge six and a wicket, nothing much happened in the first over. The Moose batted in a manner more fitting of a 5 over slog and wickets fell, without huge amounts of runs being scored. Felix K, Fred K, Paul K (so many bloody Keelings), Dave Ansell and Seb Phillips all strived magnificently but it was the arrival of Toby Clifton which swung the innings our way. Remarkable stats of 4 overs, 4 wickets for 8 runs, including a six, and two hattrick balls, ensued. Not bad for a young lad, just starting out on his cricketing career. Good luck Tobes with the winter training programme too.
 
The Moose ended up on 111 from their twenty overs and I would add my hearty congrats to Fred Talbot behind the stumps for both his keeping and captaincy. Its just such a shame he is so crap at his day job, namely forecasting the weather.
 
Tea was to be taken at the end of the game, such was the intensity of the grey clouds by this stage, but our captain, Peter Cockcroft, was still of the view that we should have batted on for another 30 overs. Oh well. Too late now. We gotta bat,
 
Ross opened with Ansell and was soon ducking and diving out of the way of some hostile opening bowling from Ogden Jr and a very tall, strong muscley guy with black hair. Ansell went early, but Ross and PK added 40 odd. They both went around the 50 mark and it was left to Seb Phillips and Felix K to steer us home with about 4 overs to spare.
 
A fine victory over a very useful, young Moose team. A fine tea followed, thanks to Carole and Mark, and all was well.
 
By this stage the widely forecast rain had now arrived and one would have expected our skipper, Ian McCaskill, to now accept that the decision to play a short format was an inspired piece of visionary thinking. But no. Penny Tranter wanted to wait for the shower to pass and then play the other half!! But by this stage, Fish's weather forecasting skills had been so widely discounted, that everyone just left and went straight to the pub...... Where we stayed for a while, watching the driving rain lash down and the puddles become biblical rivers of life giving fluid.
 
As we swam to our cars to attempt the highly risky journey home across the flooded plains of south east england, Teddy could be heard telling May that it never rains at Stonegate and why the hell did we have to mess around with the long accepted format of cricket we all know and love.
 
Thank you to everyone who has made this such a good and enjoyable season and a particularly honourable mention to Toby Mynott who played 4 times and didn't bat or bowl once. Sorry Tobes.
 
Yours, from behind sandbags, Paul Rx

Sunday 15 September 2013

Rascal's v's Moose

Decision taken to shorten overs due to threat of rain (not a happy skipper), Moose win toss and reach 111 for their 20 overs. Rascals romp home to a stunning victory with overs to spare. Full report to follow shortly (Ross?). 
 
(PK's pitchside report)
 
Rascals vs Moose. 15th Sept 2013. Chairman's Match Report
 
Well who'd of Adam and Eved it.  We actually got a game in, on what was probably, for most of the Country, one of the most inclement days in months.
 
It started early, with Skipper Teddy and myself getting to grips with the foibles of my latest purchase, the Ransomes strip mower.  More levers, switches and adjustment screws haven't been seen on a contraption since the days of Heath Robinson. Still, it looks a peach and shall be tamed by next season.
 
In view of the forecast Armageddon at 4.35pm, we started early (eventually 1.30pm), meaning that for the first time in recent memory, the Chairman had to forgo his pre-contest imbibition. Now there are conflicting repercussions with this scenario. Whilst it made a bizarre and welcome change not to have to disrupt the game on numerous occasions with boundary urinations, it did mean the The Chairman had to nurse his hangover all throughout the afternoon, until Guinness relief after the game. Pays yer money…….
 
The earliest conundrum of the day was proffered by the dilemma of what format of game to be played. Despite the best advice of the Met Office, Teddy was convinced that it wasn't going to rain until 7.00pm and that undertaking his nemesis, a 20/20 game, was simply out of the question. However, in the face of considerable opposition, he agreed that the shorter format was perhaps acceptable, as long as it didn't become a habit. He promptly went out and lost the toss. We were to take to the field.
 
With the first six of the game splatted off Felix Keeling in the first over, we were a feared that a young fit looking Moose (surely there's a word for that) were going gallop away and post a scorcher. However, when The Rascals are good, they are very, very good (then they go down on Alice - I digress. Not only that, but I am renown for confusing my children's literature. Was it Christopher Robin who went down on Alice at the teddy bears' picnic or Noddy. So little time, so much to know!). Any road, OMG we were so like well tight in the field. Felix hoisted his hosiery and took three wickets in his four designated overs. Debutantes Dave Ansell and Seb Phillips, and PK bowled tightly. Then Clifton Major was thrown the ball. He dismissed a brace of Hinchliffes with his first two balls and a couple of overs later just missed out on a second hat trick. Three overs, 18 runs and four wickets. Huzzah for suspension bridges all over the world. Fred Keeling completed the bowling line up, despite cracking his knee after a most impressive scamper and tumble on the boundary. We were celestial and theophoric in the field and nearly skittled them all. Moose: Nelson after 20.
 
'Quick turn around, the rain's coming'
 
Teddy, 'Of course it's not'
 
In the meantime Moose had lost one player, J. Burke, whose Father in Law was about to die! In the absence of impending new life, the best reason I have encountered for match abandonment. Our condolences......
 
Dave Ansell, who lives so close of the ground that a lusty blow could shatter his windows, opened up with Rossco. A zippy young Ogden was twice no balled by eagle-eyed umpire Skilbeck in the opening over. However, Dave, facing the fourth ball of the innings, cut the ball to the tallest man on the pitch at point, who plucked the ball from about 15 foot in the air. 2 for I...... Oh dear. Ships, however, are made to be steadied, and was it ever thus. Rossco and PK put on a healthy 45 before Ross was bowled going for the heave-ho. Seb Phillips (oh what a pretty bat!) took his stead but lost his partner PK four runs later. In comes Felix Keeling. With the rain clouds looming, a 65 run partnership and some corking batting saw us home to a fine victory. Huzzah for The Rascals and for Keelings (even if some of them have small heads).
 
As if my magic, the heavens opened (Teddy, ' No they didn't) almost immediately after the players left the field for a monumental tea.  We heartily thank and praise Mrs Chairman and May! Tea eaten and cleared up, washing up done and pavilion tidied, we retired to The Bull to make us burly cheer.
 
Last match fellas. Well done all for a lovely season, played in great spirit, with a healthy tally of good results.
 
Man of the match : Toby Clifton for his belting three overs.
Welcome : Dave Ansell and Seb Phillips (sprog due in two weeks - huzzah!)
Pariah of the Match : Paul Keeling (normal sized head), for being caught - at 3.30pm half-inching a flap jack.
 
What fun we have. Let's carry the enthusiasm though till next season.
 
Rascals golf day anyone?

Wednesday 11 September 2013

Rascals v Northiam aka The Skilbeck Memorial Match

A typical day with the Rascals full of the usual casual, quirky vignettes. But where to start? Well the pub of course where half the Rascals side played the usual game of how late can we be without the opposition packing the teas up and heading home. So it was the usual frantic moment of being asked to bat that had us searching for an opener (bat and tin), kit, chaffing cream, foot powder, whites, lighter, cigarettes etc.
An echo reverberated round the musty changing room. Where's Ed? Paul Ross blushed like a virgin schoolgirl. Intrigue mounted as he limply reported that like a good catholic boy he had taken a vow of silence on the subject. It was decided that it was only fair if we were given three guesses. Was he re-cataloging his collection of pre war bus tickets? No. Had he (again) got waylaid in the Croydon and Orpington Gay Pride March? Er no. Then came a real left field question. Was he playing cricket for another team? Ross cracked faster than a peanut. His tortured face said it all. There was a turncoat at the very top of the organisation. Tinker Tailor Soldier Skilbeck. Ed's brazen ambition had been turned by a better wicket. For once in a Rascals changing room was silent....nay mournful.
So our gallant openers of Drew and PK took to the field on a fine breezy day to face Northiam's finest. Their young opening bowlers directional ability had clearly been re-calibrated by Bomber Command. Their early spell had everyone nervous - first slip, gully, the umpire at point. No one was safe except the batsmen who desperately lunged and swatted as best they could until rather surprisingly the little one offered a simple catch to a surprised yet delighted fielder. Enter Desoutter who expended vast quantities of energy swotting at air. However new bowlers meant better lines and improved scoring opportunities and both started to tuck in and began to look settled and assured. There were some lusty blows including one from Desoutter which NASA would have been proud of. As one fielder quipped " if my Sky dish doesn't work tonight I'm sending you the bill".
And so the two of us took the tally to 135 when, having given Northiam plenty of opportunity, Will finally overstretched and was stumped. Recognising we had wickets to spare and 20 minutes to go the batsmen came in with intention. Firstly Georgies squeeze James, whose first shot was an admirable attempt at a Dilshan. Phillip Richardson faced five balls for an explosive 9. Then came Lund and boy did he hit the ball hard and far. When he fell the the Chairman stepped in took over with a quick contribution before falling foul of the thorny issue of time. As we debated as to how rude it would be to bat on (timed game) after tea, we rightly declared on 215. It felt enough. How wrong we were.
(The Guinness Scandal involved Paul Ross and no one else. A rough precis would be as follows: people are invited to invest in a drinks fund. Money is proffered by thirsty investors. the fund manager goes and buys refreshments. Surplus funds disappear and the fund manager drinks the assets. They never learn do they! Note to all - keep your money and your Guinness under the bed.)
With Georgie Beattie having turning her hand to scoring, we took to the field with Fred and James opening. Both struggled to find line and length and within a few over Northiam had close to 50 runs on the board. But no matter we were taking wickets. First James surprised an opening bat who spooned the ball well above his head. Unclear as to where the ball was he advanced towards the other end only to see James grab the ball on the bounce and run him out.
However bats two and three stood firm and savaged any bowling an inch long or short. In fact they gave little to no chances to bowlers or fielders. In the end they made our score of 215 look embarrassingly light as they polished off the total with 8 overs to spare.
It was certainly one of those games where you don't quite know how you lost. In essence we were mugged and left dazed and disorientated. But any game that produces 430 odd runs at 6 per over cannot be bad or devoid of amusement.
We drowned our sorrows at the Rose and Crown: pleased be warned there is a new bitter called Hastings Handmaid, which I fear they left the maid in for too long.
And so as the Courts Marshall is assembled to hear the trials of Ed Philby and the Guinness One, presided over by Judge "Hang 'em High  Beattie" our thoughts turned to what Neilo would have made of it all, then again we might still have been playing at midnight! 
Notable performances :
Rascals -T. Desoutter  69, W. Drew 60
Northiam - J. Mackenzie 102 n/o, F. Thompson 57 n/o
Faithfully submitted, T. Desoutter

Tuesday 13 August 2013

The Return of the Tuna Sandwich or How we whipped the Bashers.

Good morning from a sunny London. I have failed in my duty to provide a match report for the Canbashers match earlier in July. So very late and with pretty much everyone on holiday and miles away from cricket, here it is:

The art of a good tuna sandwich is the subtle mix of salad cream, mayonnaise, pepper and lemon juice as well as crisp cucumber to add some bite to the experience. However, our beloved chairman, who seems to make all the teas nowadays, loathes tuna with extreme prejudice. He can't stand the stuff and would no more make tuna sandwiches than burn the pavilion down for a massive insurance payout. In fact, that's a bloody good idea but I guess, not very sensible to discuss criminal insurance fraud on email to hundreds of cricketers.
 
The absolutely splendid teas we are treated to have no tuna sandwiches, ever. Tuna is a fish never to be seen dead on the tea tables.
 
For a reason I can't remember, Marko couldn't make the bashers match so it was down to me to prepare the ground, make tea and sweep the floor of the pavilion with a broom up my arse, all at the same time. Brilliantly, it did give me the opportunity to re-introduce tuna on to the menu, knowing that it could be served alongside other sandwiches without offending anyone.
 
And when tea came, there they were. Some brown, some white but definitely full of tuna. They were fucking delicious.
 
The match was a clear victory to us. We batted first, got 200 and bowled out the Bashers for about 170. I have no individual stats to hand, but I do recall a lovely innings of 70 odd from Jamie mackwood.
 
See you in September to continue the longest run of unbeaten games since we last did it.
 
Happy hols - Rosco

Saturday 27 July 2013

Rascals v's Chelsea Arts Club

 


The day seemed not to be starting all that well; the forecast was for weather of biblical proportions from 1 pm.  Arriving at the Bell to find that a full rehearsal for the trooping of the colours was underway and the shocking yellow orb was burning in the sky in a way that we Brits have become entirely unaccustomed to, rather raised my spirits!  This was dampened again by the news that Dale Steyn was playing for the opposition and, due to a total lapse of basic bodily functions, the Rascals Executive Committee (Ed) had offered the Farts a timed game with no limit on the bowlers.  What had got into them?  Mr Raikes, a late addition to our team, who had started the day professing a level of expertise at bowling that had never before been seen by the Rascals, began to retract all prior statements and claim that he was, in fact, actually of the female persuasion and was only having us on.  A true Rascal then? 

A 2.30 start seemed unlikely as 70% of the opposition were stuck in a London car park aka the M25 and looked unlikely to join us until the evening pub session.  This put the fully formed Rascal team into a dilemma; should we a) drink more beer or b) force the Farts to play with 4 people.  After much discussion a brilliant and cunning plan was set upon.  We would turn the match into an overs game, drink more beer AND get them to play with a diminished team.  We did though allow that they could bat first even without a traditional tossing of some legal tender in the middle of the square.

Around about 3.00 we do find ourselves at the pitch, looking out at the square, wondering if Noah has kindly left a boat for us to board.  Mike & Russell though look kindly down on the rag tag bunch that call themselves Rascals, parted the clouds and pushed the extraordinary yellow ball (any suggestions as to what it was, gratefully received) back into pole position in the sky.
3.30 and the game is underway.  The Farts set about their inning with gusto.  Early doors there were some pretty poor displays of fielding (nuff said), but it has to be conceded that their team contained some pretty natural hitters.  A bright spark at the end was provided by Mr Raikes who proved himself a more than useful bowler who we might hope to get more than 2 overs out of sometime in the future?  Raikes 2 wickets, PK 2 and Hamish 1 saw the Farts close their 30 overs out at 233 runs for 5 wickets.  Mere bagatelle the Rascals cried (ho, ho)!
 
 
A simply awesome tea was provided by the Chair's wife, ably helped by Van, a rare a wondrous sight at the pitch these days.  Thankfully the truly excellent tea was prolonged by another monsoon being unleashed by the heavens.  Much ‘told you so’ from Ross aka Cassandra, but play did resume shortly although mutterings about the light had already started.  Ross and Drew took the field.  Amazingly, shockingly and against all predictions Dale Steyn did not open the bowling, instead we had to take on the aggressive and accurate pace bowling of Diago the Dreadful.  As it turns out they were saving Dale for the 2nd over.  Even more extraordinary, all the videos we had been watching in the build up to the game proved false, he is clearly injured!  Ross and Drew went on to knock up 75 odd runs before Ross finally succumbed to an Andersonesque ball (and seriously problematic light conditions) on 28.  By the time we had reach 83 the light had become so bad that we might as well have been playing a charity blind match.  Added to this the rain was beginning to fall pretty hard again and it was decided that the delights of the smoking room at the Bull were more enticing than the game.  It was duly abandoned.
Who out there understands the Gordian knot that is Duckworth Lewis?  They reached 233 for 5 after 30 overs, we were on 83 for 1 after 13.3, surely we won?  Whatever the weather, we repaired to the aforementioned smoking room and debated this and other deeply philosophical matters, like is the service better at the Bull or the Bell and how to avoid the M25 when returning to London.
Anyway a great day.  Well captained Captain, well chaired Chair, great strip Stripper and well done Ross for beating extras to be top run scorer for us!  Oh, and we miss you Nielo, come back soon.
PK

Sunday 14 July 2013

Rascals v's Canbashers

We won again! This is turning into a bit of 'roll' thingy! Huzzar!!

Skills Commented:
Great innings from Jamie M (12th man!), Super bowling from Kit, with a very cool catch from Hamish M off his bowling, and some sharp fielding from Harry T. The younger Rascals had a great day. Just need to get Fred K on the pitch, just not umpiring when a bit overly relaxed, so to speak.

Great win, one and all.

 

Thursday 11 July 2013

The Rascals vs The Valley of Love July 6th 2013

Sadly this Saturday was yet another clash with various sports days/prize-givings etc.  As a result there were only 4 Sussex/Kent Rascals, with the addition, of course, of The Treasurer.  Jim had to rope in a few locals as well as his eldest Tom.  However, we were blessed with a belter of day from start to finish.

Whatever was to transpire later, The Rascals won the pub entrenchment cup, being the first to arrange in any numbers.  Philip Richardson, who had sneezed earlier in the week and put his back out, nobly made his way down from London by train to attend to the score book and with Fred and Felix Keeling present it felt very much like a regular turnout at the Bell/Bull.

Amazingly we all managed to get to the delightful Linkenholt pitch by 2.30pm and were under way by a tad after 3.00pm.  With no Neilo (in Croatia filming Feast of Boobs) or Teddy (three line whip family ‘do’) it fell upon a somewhat baffled Chairman to guide the Rascals.  This entailed swatting up on, not only the names of the all the fielding positions, but also the names of those whom Jim had kindly sourced to fill the side.  I now understand the headaches that are associated with captaincy, which appear to induced by a great deal of maths and memory.  The toss was at least one decision I did not have to make, as it was deemed appropriate, due to some late VoL members (sports days/prizegivings), that we fielded first.  Despite the two Keeling’s enthusiasm as opening bowlers, and the loss of the VoL opener with the total on 12, it soon became clear that the taking of further wickets and stemming the run rate was going to prove hard (some dropped catches not assisting). Batsmen numbers 2, 3 and 4 duly retired having reached 50 (18 fours and 6 sixes) and by the time the innings had been reduced to 28 overs from the original 30 (playing havoc with my bowling strategy and increasing my mathematical angst) The Valley had posted a total of 225! Bugger was it hot too………

A jolly good tea (splendid cakes) was washed down with very welcome cold beers (and tea) and it wasn’t long before Jamie Carter and Alec Cramsie took to the crease.  Unfortunately, after six overs we were three down with only 20 on the board.  Despite everyone scoring a few runs (except Ant…..sorry Ant!) and a dogged stand by Felix Keeling, the ‘hill to climb’ was overwhelming and we found ourselves all out for 146 with three overs to spare.  Not the most auspicious skippering debut…….

There is no doubt that The Valley have some very good cricketers, so, Rascals, next year, we need to step up to the mark. Caaan you Dig it?

Huge thanks must go to the supremely generous Ruherfords for putting on yet another super evening where we all wanted for naught

Your Chairman

Tuesday 2 July 2013

The 16TH Mike Martin Memorial Match

After the gloom and mizzle of Friday, we were blessed with a glorious day for this most splendid of annual shambles.  Clashes with Glastonbury and various school sports/prize days meant we were perhaps not the overflowing cornucopia of Rascals of yore but, nevertheless, there was a fine showing of both old faces and new.  The day was made extra special by the presence of Jennet, all the way from Edinburgh, Andy Hobsbawm mit kids and Katie Berger, sporting latest fella.
Any plans that the foolish chairman/groundsman/secretary/bankroller/chef might have had about eating at 1.15pm, were firmly quashed, as, by 12.30, the ground still resembled Death Valley, with only the two Beattie’s sheltering from the cruel sun in their canvas-sided wagon, en route to a new life in California. But, as ever, in dribs and drabs, players and guests arrived, and by 1.30 I felt it safe to slam in the lamb.  By this time Mr. Grigson already had had to return home once after leaving a bag full of valuables in his driveway (…it never rains…).  This was not only most grievous for him, but also deprived us all of the annual carnival that is the Grigson Gazebo Erection Spectacular.  Tim’s rather anodyne (in comparison) ‘pop-up’ jobbie – for which we thank him – took it’s stead.
It should be noted that the we received word, at about midday, that Teddy, skipper of the side that bears his name, was on the Edgware Road, stuck behind a Gay Pride march.  The jury is out as to whether it is considered more fortuitous to be stuck behind or in front of a Gay Pride march.  By 1.30pm he had made it to Clapham Common where he was able to put into practice all that was learnt in the previous hour and a half. Sadly he was inevitably destined to miss out on his grub (I did save some for him).
Lunch, including Clifton salad (a bit like Caesar but with more suspension – arrgghh!) and Eton Mess, was considered a succes by all, and by 3.30 there was runour afoot of imminent cricket.  With still no Teddy it was decided by Club Captain Neilo that I should skipper the Skilbeck XI until such time as he arrived.  I happily accepted, not knowing the tsumani of decisions that was only five minutes away.  Neilo and I tossed on the square (pre-match traditional display put on for the ladies) which I won and decided to chase.  Once back at the pavilion I had already forgotten what ‘to chase’ meant, and had to be reminded on a number of occasions whether the Skilbecks were batting or in the field.
A twenty five over match duly got underway by about 4.00pm, with Ross and Richardson opeing for the Grigsons. Luckily, Teddy turned up after only a couple of overs (and a 4½ hour drive), thus lifting the miasma of flux that beleagered the Chairman’s decision making processes. R & R moved along nicely until Paul smacked hard a ball which was very well caught by Mick Coyle at extra cover.  A brace of Cliftons were fairly hastily dispatched (a fine stumping by Will Drew off Will Lund, and an excellent ‘bowled’ by the 12 year old spinner Angus Balfour – get the contract signed!).
 
This brought in Kit Ross to join Phillip who, all the while, had been steadily piling on the runs (and spectacularly missing fielders with Angel-raping hooks and shanks) and soon had to retire with a splendid 26.  Kit, sometime later, followed suit with an admirable 28, having been aided by Neilo and Neil McIndoe, who achieved 23 and 18 respectively. Denning at No 8 scored a career-defining 9 before being caught out.  Tim Prrke and Freddie McIndoe then ran out of time without losing their wickets, with the score on 137.  It should be noted at this stage that, with score book infront of me, the Grigson XI appear to have been allowed 26 overs. To whom we allot blame shall for ever remain a mystery.
Stand out performances with the ball being Will Lund, 2 for 12, and young (12y/o) Angus, 2 for 16.
Oondles of lovely cakes were then devoured (remember no sarnies at the MMMM) and a quick turn around saw The Chairman (!!!) and Will Drew opeining the batting for the Skilbecks. My skipper had issued me with strict instructions to score 30 (the maximum possible with a 25 run retirement quota) but not too long later I was apologising to him having retired at 28.  Will, however, was not to be undercooked and, having held back runs whilst on 24, smacked a fine six and retired on 30.  This opening partnership set up a really good base for the rest of the side and, despite Tarqs, Angus Balfour and Robin going fairly cheaply, Nick Cox and Teddy dug in and scored freely; Nick retiring  on 26 (two sixes) and Teddy, supported by Mick Coyle, seeing us through to vitcory with his own 24 n/o and with 7 overs in hand.
 

 
Performance in the field was championed, emphatically, by Kit Ross who was not only the only bowler to achieve a maiden (two of the them) but two two wickets and conceded only two runs.  Together with his batting performance of 28 retired, this would have ensured Man of the Match status, should such a thing have existed. Very well done that man!
A thoroughly excellent session in the Bell ensued, where there was not one moan about bar staff, and we all shared Toby’s Scotch egg, after hiding it.  Jen presented the cup to Teddy and we all toasted everything and everyone.
 
Huzzah foir The Rascals. A thoroughly lovely day………….

 
 
The Chairman

Monday 17 June 2013

Treatise on the Current Predicament of the Cricketing Athletic Support

Now I wouldn't deign to boast of besporting above average volume of tackle – although it does appear that the summer months do have a pronounced effect on the elasticity of a certain pouch – but I must express my recent despair, discomfort and annoyance at the lack of containment afforded The Chairman in the last three matches, whilst employing two brand new versions of what was once, and only described as a jock strap.  It is most distracting when after every and/or any step one 'spills' out.  Even a reverie on tunnels Tom, Dick and Harry and 'The Great Escape' does little to mollify the whole-hearted inconvenience of the experience.
 
The mystery of how my dear old jock became misplaced is sadly of scant relevance, though it should be noted that I miss it dearly, and apologise for any dissent that I might have voiced to it over the age-induced rucking of the elasticated belt assembly.
 
The first attempt at replacement is described by Gray Nicolls as Cover Point Trunks.  I mean what the fuck is that all about?  Don't tell me the each wretched fielding position has its own jock.  If one has to chose a nomenclature based on fielders then at least chose something comprehensible like Stupid Fucking Leg Trunk.  The 'trunk' is, I suppose, a way of describing the style of the contraption; much akin to the stretchy 'Calvins' that I have utilised for a number of years and that have rarely been a source such errant excursion.  Not only was flagrant escapism an almost consistent worry but, in the event of deploying the box (known now in some circles as an abdo guard  *@$**ƒ√'·‡fi› !!!!!!!!!!) for batting purposes, I found (actually whilst diving to save a run out) that the only anatomical item covered was my tummy button (umbilicus).
 
So, next step; try a different sports shop.  No 'mediums' being in stock and with the complete futility of trying to impress the shop girl, I declined the 'large' jock and asked that an order might be placed.  Two weeks later (TWO WEEKS –fucking Country…) I take delivery – wrong word as I had to pick it up myself – of what appeared in the shop to be a standard jockstrap of the type that Dennis Compton and certainly David Gower might have relied upon to ensure successful procreation.  It also comes with its own abdo guard (the last time I shall call one such) which is a vicious looking thing resembling a pelota 'bat' complete with perineum (or anal depending on physiology) tickler  - no, prodder.  It is put to the test yesterday at Pear Tree Pudding.  Complete travesty of a thing.  Its 'pouch' is so narrow that the only thing it might cover would be a perfectly vertical erection – of which mine is not.  Besides nothing about cricket has that effect on me, bar possibly the showers, by which time jockstraps are superfluous. The first step I take after donning the strap (rather shadily manufactured my someone called 'Mr. David' – Goodale?) results in total 100% 'spillage'. Nothing improves and, after 15 or so overs, I forfeit my glass of cordial in order to return to the changing closet and put back on the Calvins, in which my cluster nestles quite happily for the rest of the game despite sprints and diving stops.                Thank the Lord that I didn't have to bat, although the perineum prodder might have been the only ounce joy to come from my 'Mr. Davids'.
 
During the match I brought my plight to the attention of Teddy Skils; an avid cricketer who plays at least twice a week through the season and therefore ought to have an opinion.  He dropped his strides to reveal an impressive undergarment, which a short Google, has revealed itself as an Aero Groin Protector Short.  This might well be the way to go, although it turns out that the number of options is legion (the above, Batting Shorts [built in box and thigh pad], Aero Protector Briefs, Athletic Briefs, Men Cup Protector Strap, Supporter & Cup etc., etc…..)
 
I hope to have the matter resolved by the time of The Mike Martin Memorial Match in two weeks time, in which case I propose to incinerate The Trunk and Mr. David upon the BBQ, to great fanfare!
 
The Chairman, Rascals C.C. 17/6/2013
 
 

The Donkey's dangling Impediment vs The Rascals (Match Report)

Match Report Version 1.1 (Paul Ross)
 
Nosebleeds and the Chairman's Jock Strap

When I got a call from Skills on Friday evening, informing me that the forecast for sunday was shit, I had a feeling that it was going to be a game played in bright sunshine, and for the most part my hunch proved to be correct. We gathered to play the annual Andy Goodale memorial match on Nigel's former pudding on Sunday in drizzle but soon it was fine, and bright and dry.

It was clear the skipper was in determined mood for his last appearance of the season; Billy not allowed a packet of crisps to go with his lemonade was an early sign of him not standing for any nonsense. Nigel had promised a barrel of Harveys at the ground so Billy had to sacrifice those crisps so the the old man could chuck back a couple of free pints before winning the toss and inserting the Donkeys dangling impediment into a spongy pudding. We were all happy with that but not nearly as happy as the donkey, who didn't want to withdraw at all.

The imps got off to a flying start as we all worked out where we were, what game we were playing and where we were supposed to be standing. After about ten overs we had resolved all of the above, but not before a Collier had hit a quick fifty and a bowling change was needed. Kit on full debut, and Toby proved masterful at stemming the runs and wickets started to fall. One correction. It wasn't Kit's first match but in the spirit of Teddy's batting average calculation (where he eliminates all innings below 10 to calculate the number) let's forget about last year and say this was his full debut.

The top order of the Imps was packed with former and current first X1 players, mostly called Collier, and we bowled expertly at them. Getting Alex Collier stumped early saved a lot of time looking for lost balls and then the innings hit the buffers in a major way. Fred Keeling, Toby, Kit, PK, Neilo and Teddy all bowled very well and Ant Lund, who took three for none in the last game, was not even required.(He didn't bat either!) The side fielded well, but this was all about getting Colliers out early and bowling well. Imps all out for 153 having been 100 for none. Good work

Tea (beer) was served and my only memory was putting out a general warning that Eddy was eyeing up the sandwiches and clearly calculating how many could be feasibly made to fit on one plate without appearing greedy or forward. All was polished off and battle resumed.

In the second over of our innings an incident happened which has two different scripts, so for the sake of full disclosure, here they both are. Script one, Skills is hit on his left heel by a fast yorker and is plumb lbw. Script 2 is that tobes (umpiring) should have given the other batsman out (me) the ball before and took out his guilt and angst on the other poor batsmen (skills) when it hit his foot a couple of balls later. No prizes for guessing which one Skills subscribes to but it was a brave piece of umpiring in anyones language. This never bloody happens in league cricket!!

Our score moved along sedately, losing PK and Ross in the process but when the skipper joined Jamie Mackwood with 95 to win, who would have thought they would take us all the way home. Both batted very well in the face of a declining attack and by the end, the only danger was being hit by one of the towels that were being thrown in from all quarters. Well done to both for a calm and supremely well executed run chase.

Every batsmen who was out did a valiant and difficult stint of umpiring (except Skills who hid in his car, refusing to reappear to put on a white coat).

An excellent victory and a great all round team performance by all concerned. That's now 2 victories in a row so its nosebleed time as we just get higher and higher. On a roll.

We retired to a pub called the Bull for a presentation of the Trophy and a bloody long wait for a drink. I think pub is somewhat of a misnoma for the Bull. "Shithole run by a total wanker" is nearer the mark and my vote would be to go anywhere else in the Weald of Kent and Sussex rather than put a couple of hundred quid into such an undeserving pocket. It is so bad, we had to stay until gone midnight.

The chairman promised anyone that would listen that a long rant on the modern state of jockstraps is on the way, so we all look forward to that keenly. Perhaps it could be delivered verbally at the Mike Martin game, when we all meet again in a couple of weeks time.

A tres bientot mes amis
 
Match Report Version 1.2 (The Chair)
 
Threatening clouds and steady spitting rain abated in time for us to get underway by 3.00pm, after enjoying Nigel Bowie’s liquid hospitality at his new and impressive pavilion at Pear Tree Hill.  The commodious nature of the modern young gentleman’s cricket bag did prove ergonomically challenging in the small changing room and many Rascals found themselves ogling with envy the tracts of space provided by the largest unisex bog in East Sussex.
Although not as stuffed with youth as Collier United, our team boasted the delightful inclusion of Kit Ross (with much expectation on his shoulders after his performance against us two games back), Jamie Mackwood (once more with the gloves), Fred Keeling and his old chum Will Dunn (playing for the first since the operation on his finger last year – Rascals induced , of course). Had the game been at home I might have insisted on the Rubber Bat Handle Applicator Shower Inititaion Ceremony for this lot.
Winning the toss for the third match in a row the Skip reverted to the procedure of yore and we took to the field.  Pear Tree Hill has traditionally been a tough wicket to bat on (and bowl on for that matter…) and this was no exception, with the ball holding up and not coming on.  However Will Collier and Landsdowne made very fine opening progress and reached the ton.  Much as with the last match, it seemd like matters were about to run away with themsleves.  However, yet again, a good strong turnout in the field started to reap rewards.  Fred bowled well and both he, an on-the-money ‘That’s plum…’ Toby Clifton and  Kit Ross started to pick up wickets.  Catches were once again the order of the day, six being taken by Rascals.  The other wickets were accounted for by two LBWs, a run out and a marvellous stumping, engineered by an attentive Kit Ross who saw the batsman come forward out of his crease, and snappily taken by Jamie M behind the stumps – ah, youth!  Figures of the day go to Tobes with 19 for 3 off 7.  The Oppo were skittled for 153 with two overs in hand.
Susan Bowie executed a corking tea.  The beef, rocket and horseraddish sarnie being the pick of the day and something that I feel we ought to adopt (despite Teddy’s reticence at any form of greenery within ten miles of a sandwich!).  It should be noted at this juncture that both two previous home teas had lived up to the regaultion unassailable standard.
Our stalward openers of Paulo and Teddy then hauled their bread and cake laden stomachs out to face Nigel’s assorted embrios.  Things did not start well with Teddy being given LBW by umpire Clifton in the second over – not a happy bunny.  However, Rossco and his new partner PK consolidated and put on 42 before PR spooned one up to a receptive Scott Collier at mid off.  Only two overs and 3 runs later PK was also caught, leaving Jamie M at the crease on 4 runs and bringing on The Skipper; the total reading 51.  Then ensued a very fine, mature partnership and, by the time Jamie right royally blew the maturity by attempting a reverse sweep and being caught at slip for 35, the scoreboard displayed 142. Mackwood was beaten about the head by umpire PK on his march back to pavilion, with brief respite to proffer advice to oncoming bat Will Dunn.  He and Neilo made light work of the remaining 12 runs needed for victory.  Despite hitting a fine 4 to win the game The Skip remained 1 shy of his first 50 with THE NEW BAT (which plainly is not as shit as it was deemed to be last year…….).  It can’t be said that The Imps (please excuse abridged moniker) helped themselves with 25 extras (20 wides!!), but one must think, that with 5 overs to spare and plenty of batting to come, we would have triumphed without them.
The Andy Goodale Memorial Bat was handed by David Goodale to Neilo at the Bull afterwards; the presentation having been delayed by the collectively extraordinarily tedious process of trying to purchase beverages.  However, no inconvenience was up to besmirching another fine Rascals outing.  Huzzah!!!

Sunday 16 June 2013

The Donkey's dangling Impediment vs The Rascals

Another fine victory, are the glory days returned? Captain Neilo carries us to the close in his last match of the season. Perfect!

Sunday 2 June 2013

Rascals v's East India Club

Oops! In my excitement I forgot the picture

Match Report (The Chair)

A balmy day for this one, which actually managed to get going before 2.00pm, a 35 over contest agreed upon.  A different strip form the previous game was employed, and one that did not favour the bastmen nearly so much.
After what seemd like an age, and much chat, and even the waving/pointing of a finger at the oppo captain, the Skipper returned from the square to announce that he had won the toss and The Rascals were to don pads and jocks (see later treatise) and post a score (and was the urn on?).  I forget the reason for this volte face but have no doubt we will be enlightened at a later date and at some length.  The innings started in a positive manner with both Will Drew and Teddy scoring freely, but also with ample judiciousness.  Will departed with the total at 68 with Teddy following 12 runs later, whilst, infuriatingly, on 49.  Thereafter we struggled to put significant runs on the board with only PK and Neilo breaking double figures.  Things might have been different if The Chairman, lurkin’ and a prowlin’ at No 11, had been unleashed (check out scene in Mad Max II where Wez is unleashed from the shackles aboard The Lord Humgungus’ war chariot), but alas the overs were agin him. The innings closed with the score on 146.
The EIC started in equally positive mode.  Their opener, Masters, batting with aplomb, was equally at home dashing the quick single as he was finding the boundary.  With good support from the top order, it was looking like we were staring down the barrels of another defeat.  However, a series of truly fabulous catches completely turned the game around.  First of all Fred Keeling, at deep sqaure leg, one handed and at full backward stretch, caught out a very dangerous looking No.3. This was followed by magnificent diving reaction belters from Rossco and Ed G-H at midwicket and square leg respectively.  Will Drew, at deep mid on (boundary) then caught yet another hoick from the imperious Masters who was dismissed on 76.  These four catches combined with a spirited fielding display, really put the nail in the EIC’s chase and they ran out of overs on 137.  Notable bowling preformances were put in by Ant Lund (12 for 3 off 4) and Ed G-H (25 for 2 off 6), with Tarqs, Fred, PK and Teddy all proving inexpensive.
Well done lads; an adept and gutsy showing.

Rascals v's East India Club

Victory, sweet victory. The first of the season really does taste sweet!

Saturday 11 May 2013

Rascals v's Grannies

Not quite the start we had in mind, but a start none the less.

Match Report (The Chair)
 
The first game of the season and eagerly anticipated.  The groundsman, however, was much concerned, as, due to a communication fuck up (moi? ed.), the previous autumn’s scarify/reseed had been neglected.  Fears were unfounded, as the strip proved admirally up for the job.
Sadly the Grannies could only muster 8 players and were thus granted the services of young Kit Ross: a decision we were later to regret.  Neilo won the toss and opted for the regulation chase.  My memory not being what is was (it then being pretty poor then) I am relying on the score book, which was kindly filled in for me (The Grannies’ innings) by the generous Ed Gradiner-Hill.  The match was reduced to 30 overs due to rain and the Grannies posted a creditable 191 in that time, with both Will Finn and Ed G-H making over 50 (Finn 71).
The most efficient of our bowlers was PK who, although not the higest wicket taker with one, was extraodinarily inexpensive, having only 16 hit of his 7 overs, which included two maidens.  A total of 33 extras, including 18 wides, did not help the cause.
Our innings was not blessed with an over-auspicious start.  We lost Teddy in the third over and it was not really until the introduction of Joe Osbourne (chum of Keeling J.), batting at 6, that we looked like competing.  Joe’s fine 61 (eight 4s and three 6s), with masterful backing-up by Tobes (23 runs) set up an exciting finale. However, with a maiden over (Chairman on strike !!), three from the end, and despite a mighty 6 from Fred Keeling batting at No 11, exceeding The Grannies’ total became a forlorn hope.  Our overs ran out with the score at 179, 13 short of victory.
A good day’s cricket on a fine strip, with 370 runs on the board, but ‘Oh! The extras!’.